These are a few of my favourite things

Anyone can post a comment now...and I can even read them! Thanks Chai...


"When the food strikes
When the poo flows
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
and then I don't feel soooo bad"

These are pictures of my favourite things. You'll recognise one of these pics...the mighty Lonely Planet. This already well thumbed copy was a stroke of genius from my work colleagues who gave it to me as a leaving gift.This is especially valuable as you can't purchase this particular lonely planet anywhere in China. It's banned; something about a section on Chairman Mao's sexual experimentation phase during the cultural revolution. Anyway, suffice to say I'd be in a bit of bother if I lost it - in fact one of my most horrifying experiences so far (asking for trouble now aren't I...) was the moment I realised I'd left it on the train; fortunately I raced back on in time to retrieve it from the cleaning lady.

The other is my "green bag". Said bag goes with me everywhere - even the places my guide book doesn't go. Out to dinner, out on the booze. Everywhere. Why? Most toilets, public or otherwise, aren't generous enough to supply 3 ply Sorbent toilet paper...or even that 1 ply waxy stuff you had in the school toilets. The other mysterious packet you see before you is a packet of some kind of amazing anti- diarrhoea pills which I purchased at a chemist for about 70 cents, based on some pharmaceutical advice dispensed by a friendly backpacker from Birmingham (with qualifications in pension management I believe). You know what they say - "any port in a storm"...well that's what I said at that point anyway. They work brilliantly though so there they stay, in the green bag.

Sick of poo yet? Well start your own anti-poo blog then.

Clean again

Luckily, Jinan, the "city of Springs", has a local pool...in fact, via a large number of wells, the natural springs in the city provide water for drinking & washing too, so crisis averted - I'm clean! (although I was strangely itchy for some time after) The same cannot be said for the public toilets in town though; mind you, they were better than the one where I'd been staying (previous post).

Here's another pic of some dumplings...believe it or not, I actually made about 20 of these while staying with a family in the outskirts of Jinan. In the same amount of time it took me to make those 20 however, the ladies who were 'training' me managed to knock up 2 full trays. I was then expected to eat about 30 of them, which I duly attempted to do in order to be polite, but there wasn't anything too polite about the aftermath; damn - there we go again...it seems at the moment, all blog roads lead to the toilet. Maybe this diary should be renamed my 'bog'.

p.s for those of you that haven't noticed, I added a link to google maps on the right - no, the other right. I think it works, but I can't check coz although I can post my propaganda on blogger.com, I can't actually view the blog itself...*.blogspot.com is blocked in China.

The worst toilet in the world

4 people, 1 toilet, 2 days with no running water. I'll spare you the picture.
There are some strong candidates for this title in China, but I've certainly seen the winner for this week. Sorry - short post...I really have to get out of here...now.

Hiding Food

You know when milk has been sitting in the fridge for about a month too long, then you attempt to pour it into a cup of tea? Take a look at this pic...you'd think I'd had a decent crack at it and given up wouldn't you....well I didn't. To be honest, I can't actually remember ever having to hide food as a kid (thanks Mum), but I was forced to do it when staying in one of the Ger (first pic) camps in Mongolia.
It's a bit tricky when your host family go out of their way to present you with what they regard as one of their culinary highlights & stand there waiting for you to try it, while you sit there desperately thinking of an escape plan. Thankfully, after I'd duly consumed a mouthful of something which resembled the aforementioned milk, the lady of the house left me to finish it in peace. This gave me a few minutes to figure out how I could get rid of the stuff before she returned. After a few minutes of panic, my mind seized on a scene from that brilliant film "The Great Escape". The Stalag Luft III world war 2 prisoners, in order to hide the dirt dug from their escape tunnels, cunningly hide the dirt in their trousers & gradually release it around the exercise yard by letting it fall down their legs. My moment of inspiration was however crushed fairly quickly when I thought about a couple of fundamental flaws in this plan : 1) Something the consistency of porridge doesn't cascade down one's legs quite as freely as dirt; and 2) I was wearing shorts - the telltale sludgy residue on my thighs may give the game away.
Fortunately, plan B eventuated..quickly consuming the contents of a pineapple juice container I'd bought the day before, I was able to fill it with enough of the 'glue" to present the impression that I'd actually enjoyed the meal, but couldn't quite finish. I then took the container to the toilet pit (quite an experience in itself) & disposed of the contents (making sure I kept the container for the several meals I had to look forward to). This worked brilliantly, however it seems I was so convincing in my ruse that I was served similar delightful meals for the next 2 days.

After 3 days with the runs in China, the heat and humidity for the entire trip, all the hiking and barely eating at the Ger camp, my clothes are a little loose...oh yeah, the 10k walk on the great wall yesterday in 30 degrees probably cost me a few kilos too.

Does my bum look big in this?

Now these guys really know how to dress up! The costumes for the festival are incredible. We went to the horse racing the other day; 300-400 kids (aged 5 to 12) ride 20km in the blazing heat, some bareback & barefoot. The kids & horses all assemble at the finish line, then move off in a huge pack & cover the 20km to the start line. It's a straight line track (well, there's no track as such, but it's sort of a straight line) so by the time they reach the start point you can't see any of the horses. Once the race starts, you wait for about 10 minutes 'til you see an enormous dust cloud appear on the horizon. After another 10 minutes you can make out the riders. By the time they reached the finish, there were 2 riders neck & neck, whipping the horses mercilessly. A bizarre rule for this particular race dictates that in the case of a tie, the winner is the horse on the left; and thus it was this time. The rest of the horses come in over the next 10 minutes, most of them clearly at the point of exhaustion. Understandable - the grand national is 7.2km & the Melbourne cup is only 3.2.

The worst job in the world

Huang Shan - 1870m of stone steps. There is some heavy competition for worst job in the world over here; my vote is for this one. I'd love to be able to say that it's ok coz these guys look pretty fresh at the top of the mountain (yep - they carry stuff up, then load up again for the down leg)...but they don't. They look absolutely wrecked. Other contenders : Shanghai street sweeper (heavy pollution & you're really not going to make alot of difference); Rickshaw driver (depending on the Westerner you could be carrying more than one of those porters); overnight train toilet cleaner (yeah - ok, that'd probably win but I haven't actually seen someone do this job yet & I hope I never will).

Huang Shan is indeed spectacular when it's not covered entirely in cloud (most of the time apparently), but there is one problem which may be tricky to address. See those stone steps in the picture above? When you're trudging up or down those, you need to concentrate coz they get pretty steep in places...but the steps are covered in enormous snot balls, so looking at the steps makes you sick, but you can't look away as you might slip on one! Fortunately fatigue sets in pretty quickly which pushes any snot issues into second place.

oh..here's another pic to prove I did get up the mountain....


Off to Mongolia tonight!

No liquids on board

I apologise that this is a bit of a 'flashback' post, but it's a story that needs to be told.

The new airline security restrictions which came in a few months ago dictate that not only are you prevented from taking kitchen knives & throwing stars on board, you can no longer take any container of liquid or gel (yep, including toothpaste, hair gel, nads hair removal cream & liquid explosives) greater than 50ml on board as hand luggage. All liquid explosive devices must be checked in.

This, being a new restriction, has obviously caught out quite a few duty free shoppers who arrive at security only to be told that their several litres of top shelf spirits must be 'destroyed' in the interests of passenger safety. "Oh no! What a waste!" she cried...unless you're Sharon's family from Liverpool. There is a solution. A brilliant solution. Drink it. 5 people, 5 litres. What could possibly go wrong? Only the passengers of flight TG924 will ever really know the truth. Now that's reality TV worth watching.

Maximum elevator capacity

I don't think I've ever been in a lift that's actually been filled to the stated 'maximum capacity' before - I'd always thought it impossible. Not in Shanghai. In fact, they appear to have misread it as 'required capacity'. They've not yet exceeded it though, so I'm sure I'm quite safe. It's quite difficult counting 27 heads in a lift; it would've been impossible if I hadn't been the tallest.

Casually wandering the streets of Shanghai is a bit like casually wandering the department stores at home...at 9am the day the end of year sales start...but with the sales staff shouting at you "t-shirts, watches, dvds" and everyone else shouting at each other. I was being accosted so much on the street I pretended I didn't speak English, but they then adopted that tried & true solution when speaking to anyone who doesn't speak English. Just speak louder. I have entered "shouty world".

You know you're in Thailand when...

...you're in a bar & a beautiful woman asks you to buy her a drink, then introduces herself as "Stuart".
That's enough of ladyboys and sex shows - there's far more to Thailand than that; not the least of which was the amazing venue chosen by Ben and Sharon for their wedding on Koh Samui. Even if I could load up a picture in this internet cafe, it wouldn't possibly do the place justice. A fantastic time was had by all, even though Benny was using a walking stick to get down the aisle. Yep, a stag night injury 2 nights earlier. If only I could say it was due to his stepping into the ring at the Muay Thai boxing we attended...but it wasn't. Benny was cutting some big MJ like moves up and down the steps at the Green Mango bar late in the evening & went for a bit too much 'pizazz'. Still, drink in hand & ice pack on ankle, he partied on admirably & made a beautiful groom 2 days later...or was that bride...damn, it's so hard to tell!

Next post...China.